It's still not something I'm sure I can properly put to words.
[It's a struggle she's had for decades. Now, it's only moved from infuriating to exasperating.]
For all of you, so much time has passed. Lestat has demonstrated to me how powerful he has become. You have all grown...moved on, but I am as I was, if not physically, the day that I was put to death. The longings I felt have not left me. My heart has not had the chance to heal. Desperately, I feel insignificant and alone, with everything to prove but no means by which to do so.
Of course. I hadn't considered... ( he sighs, unhappy with himself for being so self-centered, always, even when he tries to think of her. ) For me, it's been more than a century. I've had nothing but time to reflect on myself and the past... and the same is true for him, though I know it must be difficult to believe.
That is how long it took to begin to heal. You must still be so raw from it all. It's been barely the blink of an eye.
Time has not stopped him from threatening me. Telling me I deserved to burn, that he will happily throw me into the sun again himself. No, I do not believe it. Maybe it is true for you, but not for me. Never for me.
[She snaps it a bit more harshly than she means to; Louis is trying, this much she recognizes, even if it's difficult for her to talk about, especially when she feels so inferior. Claudia puts a hand to her temple. Truthfully, as much as she didn't want to be a part of it, hunting with Lestat again, following his instruction, it hadn't been so bad. He was still terribly annoying, but at least he was being straightforward with her now. At least in regards to logistical questions.
When she speaks again, Claudia's calmed herself.]
You're not the only one who's tried to convince me of his love. I won't hear of it, not now.
[It's a fairer response than Claudia was expecting. Louis really has had time to think, hasn't he? She stands by the idea that he'll never be able to truly understand her, but perhaps he is no longer as childish as he was.]
Sometimes, I truly hate you.
[It isn't said with cruelty, but with a soft, almost regretful intonation.]
But you also have my whole heart, Louis. You need not convince me of anything.
[But still, Claudia feels no better. Maybe, she realizes, this is the root of the problem: he has her whole heart, and she only has a piece of his. The chasm between them has grown so much wider than she ever thought possible.]
( what can he possibly say? it's the gentlest knife to his heart, followed by a kiss to his cheek. he could weep, if it wouldn't be so unbearably selfish. but he can hardly help how quietly miserable he sounds. )
I've kept your heart locked inside a cage, my love. You never had a choice.
[It's hard to be independent, truthfully, when she's never known independence. It's been something she's learning step-by-step, and is certainly aided by her status as a dominant.]
The home you have is not one I belong in. I will make due alone.
( it's a pale offering. louis feels just as guilty as ever, and certain he's wronged her, with no clear path toward reconciliation. if reconciliation is something that she even wishes for. he doesn't know. but he can't push her — especially after lestat just dragged her on a hunt. )
Perhaps some night, when you are ready to see me again, we might visit with one another elsewhere. Until then, I will be immeasurably grateful to know you're alive.
As long as you don't speak of him, I will see you any time.
[She'll have to deal with the fact that they're together. She's infuriated, of course, but afraid, too. If she truly walks away and can't make it alone, will she turn around and find no one left to come back to? All Claudia can do is stamp down her anger, she sees no other option.]
[There isn't much else to say on the matter, so Claudia, after a consideration, decides on something else.]
One more thing: I haven't generally been disclosing that I am vampire, unless it proves to be necessary or I consider the individual trustworthy. Just thought you should know.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[It's a struggle she's had for decades. Now, it's only moved from infuriating to exasperating.]
For all of you, so much time has passed. Lestat has demonstrated to me how powerful he has become. You have all grown...moved on, but I am as I was, if not physically, the day that I was put to death. The longings I felt have not left me. My heart has not had the chance to heal. Desperately, I feel insignificant and alone, with everything to prove but no means by which to do so.
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That is how long it took to begin to heal. You must still be so raw from it all. It's been barely the blink of an eye.
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[She snaps it a bit more harshly than she means to; Louis is trying, this much she recognizes, even if it's difficult for her to talk about, especially when she feels so inferior. Claudia puts a hand to her temple. Truthfully, as much as she didn't want to be a part of it, hunting with Lestat again, following his instruction, it hadn't been so bad. He was still terribly annoying, but at least he was being straightforward with her now. At least in regards to logistical questions.
When she speaks again, Claudia's calmed herself.]
You're not the only one who's tried to convince me of his love. I won't hear of it, not now.
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No, it's Lestat's job to convince you of his love. I hope only to convince you of mine.
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Sometimes, I truly hate you.
[It isn't said with cruelty, but with a soft, almost regretful intonation.]
But you also have my whole heart, Louis. You need not convince me of anything.
[But still, Claudia feels no better. Maybe, she realizes, this is the root of the problem: he has her whole heart, and she only has a piece of his. The chasm between them has grown so much wider than she ever thought possible.]
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( what can he possibly say? it's the gentlest knife to his heart, followed by a kiss to his cheek. he could weep, if it wouldn't be so unbearably selfish. but he can hardly help how quietly miserable he sounds. )
I've kept your heart locked inside a cage, my love. You never had a choice.
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[She knows it. She never thought Louis could love Lestat, could be capable of wanting to be with him out of any genuine emotion. It stings, terribly.]
If I could say something that would soothe you, I would, my love, but I have nothing.
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( there's a pause as he rubs at his eyes. )
My heart aches for the time when you still needed me, and yet I desperately hope that it isn't still so.
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[It's hard to be independent, truthfully, when she's never known independence. It's been something she's learning step-by-step, and is certainly aided by her status as a dominant.]
The home you have is not one I belong in. I will make due alone.
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( it's a pale offering. louis feels just as guilty as ever, and certain he's wronged her, with no clear path toward reconciliation. if reconciliation is something that she even wishes for. he doesn't know. but he can't push her — especially after lestat just dragged her on a hunt. )
Perhaps some night, when you are ready to see me again, we might visit with one another elsewhere. Until then, I will be immeasurably grateful to know you're alive.
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[She'll have to deal with the fact that they're together. She's infuriated, of course, but afraid, too. If she truly walks away and can't make it alone, will she turn around and find no one left to come back to? All Claudia can do is stamp down her anger, she sees no other option.]
All I ask for is a life without Lestat.
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( louis means it completely, even if he knows that he wants exactly the opposite now. )
You deserve this chance at independence, however it happened.
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One more thing: I haven't generally been disclosing that I am vampire, unless it proves to be necessary or I consider the individual trustworthy. Just thought you should know.
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( a soft, musing sound. )
Have you chosen a last name for yourself?
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Truthfully, I haven't thought of it. I always saw myself as never knowing it.
[Unspoken, of course, is the fact that de Lioncourt seems like a taboo thing to call or consider herself.]
That I would always simply be Claudia, nothing more.
[Belonging to no one. With no one. Equal parts rejecting of a family and being barred from it.]
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I wonder if now might be the time for you to choose something intentional, even if it is entirely for show.